February 2019 Update

bayport beat
Welcome to the February edition of The Hardy Boys News with a look at upcoming releases and the book of the month, “The Disappearing Floor”.
There was a Hardy Boys article in a recent issue of The Atlantic.
Jenn Fisher of the Nancy Drew Sleuths was kind enough to send me a copy of her magazine The Sleuth which had an interesting article about the Super Mysteries.

New This Month

Hardy Boys Adventures #1818: The Disappearance – 02/19
{“The Vanishing Room” has been renamed “The Disappearance” and given a new plot.}
For Sale: Paperback – Hardcover
The Hardy brothers and Frank’s new girlfriend, Jones, are attending a local comic book convention on the shore. They meet up with Jones’s friend Harper, a fellow comics super fan, on the boardwalk outside the convention. The four of them spend hours running from booth to booth and end the perfect day with pizza at Harper’s short-term rental apartment.
Things don’t stay so perfect, though. On the way home, Jones realizes she switched phones with Harper by accident and she is getting some really scary texts. When they show up at the apartment the next day, they find it totally destroyed and Harper is missing. Frank and Joe start digging into their new friend’s life, hoping to find out where she might have gone, but the more they find out about her, the more mysterious she becomes. Can Frank and Joe find this secretive character? Or has she disappeared forever?

Clue Book 4 in 1Hardy Boys Book Reviews by Nicolas Akmakjian – For Sale

An adult fondly looks back on his childhood treasures: the original 58 Hardy Boys volumes. These were not great literature, but they were never meant to be. They are actually surprisingly well-written for children’s books. The great writer Leslie McFarlane got things off to a terrific start and the series benefited from that great foundation.

Each of the 58 books is reviewed in this book. This content comes from the popular HardyBoysBookReviews.com site, noting who wrote each book, when it was written (and revised), the cover is critiqued, the chums who appear are noted, and what Aunt Gertrude baked for her beloved nephews is gravely noted.

This book expands upon that material, however, to also include notes about the year in which the book was written. What film won the Oscar that year? What was the #1 song? What events happened that year? All of this goes into the mind of the author and you can see that influence in the books. When James Bond shows up in public consciousness, you can absolutely tell in the Hardy Boys. The space race, multiculturalism, post-World War II expansion, the Depression, and, of course, Scooby Doo are all reflected in these books.

These are light-hearted, brief reviews that do not spoil the plot. They are written with humor and affection. If you read the book, the review will remind of the basic plot, but will not reveal the identity of the villain. For that you have to read the book again — and this book will make you want to do just that.

coming soon

Clue Book 4 in 1Clue Book 4 in 1 – 03/19
For Sale: Hardcover

Illustrated by Matt David

Join detective brothers Frank and Joe as they solve exciting mysteries with four books in the interactive Hardy Boys Clue Book series, now available in a special bind-up edition!

Get to the bottom of Bayport’s biggest mysteries with expert kid detectives, Frank and Joe Hardy! Follow the clues to find the totally awesome—and mysteriously missing—video game system, figure out what happened to their baseball team’s top-secret playbook, track down Joe’s water-skis, and uncover the talent show prankster with four books in the fun and engaging Hardy Boys Clue Book mystery series!

This bind-up edition includes The Video Game Bandit, The Missing Playbook, Water-Ski Wipeout, and Talent Show Tricks.

Clue Book #89: Who Let The Frogs Out? – 04/19
For Sale: Paperback – Hardcover
Illustrated by Santy Gutierrez

Detective brothers Frank and Joe must solve a muddy mystery in the ninth book in the interactive Hardy Boys Clue Book series.
Bayport Elementary is hosting a Mud Run to celebrate spring! A particularly muddy part of the town’s park will be set aside for the race and Coach Lambert has even managed to make more mud by using the park’s hoses and shovels. Frank and Joe can’t wait to splash through the muck.
But on the day of the race, the runners are stopped in their tracks by croaking, blurping bullfrogs! Lots of people in the town had been annoyed that the park was being taken over by a bunch of muddy kids. Could someone have sabotaged the race with buckets of frogs?


book of the month: The Disappearing Floor

Hardy Boys Cover Art Hardy Boys Cover Art

19: The Disappearing Floor – Collectible Editions For Sale
Cover Art & Edition Information
Original: 1940 John Button (218 pages)
Outline: Edna Squier (nee Stratemeyer)
Revised: 1964 James Lawrence (176 pages) – For Sale
Outline: James Lawrence
Revision: Completely Different
Art: 1940 Paul Laune
Art: 1962 John Leone
Notes: Original text PC editions are scarce.
The original text edition is generally regarded as the worst written story in the canon.
The Hardy Boys smash Duke Beeson’s (AKA Chief Shining Light Of The Sun-Worshipping Ozonites) robbery gang using the weird inventions of Aunt Gertrude’s former classmate, Eben Adar.
Revised: The Hardy Boys track down a gang of jewel thieves in a mysterious old mansion.

Description of current edition: Once again Frank and Joe Hardy take on a puzzling case when their famous detective father asks the boys to assist him in tracking down a notorious jewel thief and his accomplices. The trail leads to the outskirts of the Hardys’ home town and to a weirdly guarded mansion on the old Perth estate. With their pal Chet Morton, the brothers must tackle the mystery of the mansion heir’s sudden death. A disappearing floor, a huge, savage-looking, hound, a galloping ghost, and a college professor’s startling invention are just a few of the strange elements that complicate the boys’ efforts to solve both mysteries.


Editor’s Review: The Disappearing Floor

Published in 1940 – text by John Button
The Plot: While on a camping trip with Chet, the Boys discover a cave containing stolen bank loot, shortly thereafter, they run into the robbers themselves and also (big surprise here), Fenton Hardy, who is hot on the trail of the robbers. The bank robbing gang is headed by Duke Beeson (aka Chief Shining Light of the sun-worshipping Ozonites.) Several banks are robbed and the Boys trace the gang to the strange house of eccentric inventor, Eben Adar, a former classmate of Aunt Gertrude’s. After several chapters of weird inventions and goings on, the Boys and their father capture the gang.
Comments: Although this story’s weirdness has always endeared it to me and made it one of my favorite Hardy stories, in all honesty I must say it is very poorly written. It is episodic and disjointed and seemingly written without a care to continuity. It stumbles along and doesn’t really get interesting until the last third of the book, when it starts to get weird, almost surreal. The Boys are constantly in motion, going here and there for no apparent reason other than to fill up chapter space. Not one person in the story displays one iota of common sense at any time. The Boys are attacked when they return stolen bank loot, a police officer threatens them with a drawn gun when the Boys, Callie and Aunt Gertrude go to Callie’s parent’s summer cabin, the Boys are frozen solid and set adrift in a row boat, Beeson saves the Boys from a tiger attack. None of these events (along with many, many others) have the slightest bearing on the plot (such as it is!) “Who is Harry Tanwick?” Joe doesn’t know and neither does the reader.
Rating: Original: D-


THE DISAPPEARING FLOOR
(and why, after 60 years, it still won’t disappear)
by Mike Humbert


The Disappearing Floor (unrevised edition) holds a special infamy among Hardy Boys fans. Ghostwritten by Dr. John Button in 1940, it has all the literary style of a car wreck; and like a car wreck, you want to look away, but somehow just can’t.
Hardy Boys Cover ArtWhile admittedly there are Hardys stories that aren’t that great, Floor is in a league of its own for sheer weirdness. The plot is almost nonexistent. Bizarre sci-fi gadgetry is prominently featured, along with a Fenton Hardy who seems to appear at will. This is all the more amazing since Mr. Hardy is seriously injured twice during the book. Of course, the oddest thing of all is that this book was ever published in the first place!
It would be easy to put all of the blame on the good Dr. Button, but, in his defense, he apparently closely followed the plot outline provided to him by the Stratemeyer Syndicate. Unlike Leslie McFarlane (the first and best “Franklin W. Dixon”), when Button was told to write junk, he replied: “Yes Sir! How junky would you like it?”
So, having said that, let’s move on to my highly condensed recap of the story, which reads like a spoof, but isn’t; I haven’t exaggerated a single plot point, not even the contents of the canvas bag. I have, however, reworked the narration and dialogue to reflect my own take on the story.


Dark-haired Frank Hardy and his blond brother Joe sat around the campfire, along with their chubby friend Chet.
“Enough camping, fellows,” groaned Chet. “When do we eat?”
Frank and Joe exchanged amused glances. Chet’s tragic eating disorder and the resulting morbid obesity were a reliable source of humor for the two brothers.
“Say, look at this, fellows,” Joe interjected.” I just found this old envelope with the name ‘Harry Tanwick’ written on it. And there’s a hundred dollar bill inside!”
“I wonder who Harry Tanwick could be,” pondered Frank.
“Maybe that’s him over there!” shrieked Chet, and the three ran into the darkness after a shadowy figure.
As the trio charged into the pitch-black wilderness, they suddenly fell headlong through a hole into an equally dark cave. They were now trapped!
“Well, this is quite a pickle, I must say,” observed Joe.
“Still, we seem remarkably fit for having fallen twenty feet onto solid rock,” countered Frank.
“I’m still hungry,” grumbled Chet.
“Hello, boys,” greeted Fenton Hardy, the boys’ famous father. “I figured I might run into you here in this desolate cave in the middle of nowhere at four in the morning. By the way, you haven’t seen Duke Beeson, the bank robber, have you?”
“No,” replied Frank. “But I just noticed that’s there’s a canvas bag with $82,000 in coins sitting here at my feet!”
“Well, bring it along,” directed Mr. Hardy. “After all, how much could $82,000 in coins weigh? I want you boys to take his bag cross-country to the Wayne County Bank. I realize you have no transportation, and are completely unfamiliar with the area, not to mention the fact that desperate criminals will be tracking you down, but what could go wrong?”
(EDITOR’S NOTE: $82,000 in silver coins weighs almost 4,800 pounds. In silver dollars, it would form a stack about 550 feet tall. If those dollars were laid edge to edge, they would form a line about 2 miles long.)


“Say, Frank,” whispered Joe, “isn’t this taxi driver driving a bit erratically?”
“I should say so!” confirmed Frank.
Thoroughly familiar with what to do in this situation, Frank suddenly lunged forward and threw a chokehold on the vehicle’s driver. Despite this prudent measure, the taxi swerved out of control and plunged into the dark, icy water. Frank, Joe and Chet narrowly escaped a watery death, swimming to the surface, while clutching the canvas bag containing $82,000 in coins.


“You boys did a fine job,” congratulated Fenton Hardy, after his sons had once again randomly stumbled upon him. “The whole operation went off without a hitch.”
“Except for our sending a taxi off a bridge and almost drowning,” added Joe.
“Well, yes,” agreed the detective.
“And that crazed mob that attacked us,” offered Frank. “And that we had to resort to a railroad handcar for transportation,” mentioned Chet. “And then–”
“In any case,” interrupted Mr. Hardy, “I want you to return to Beeson’s cave hideout yet again.”
“But we’ve recovered the money already,” Joe pointed out.
“And Beeson’s men have already caught us in there –twice– and threatened us each time,” recounted Frank.
“Yes, boys, but did you realize that one of Beeson’s men is named Louie Butt?”
Frank and Joe exchanged meaningful looks. Their father had a good point. Someone with a name like that had to be up to no good. No butts about it.


The next time that the boys randomly bumped into their father, he was moving at high speed, since an escaped tiger was pursuing him. Fortunately, Joe knew well that the surest way to fell a charging tiger was to bounce a sharp rock off its head.
Quickly abandoning their badly mauled father to the medical authorities, Frank and Joe continued to pursue Duke Beeson. Soon they caught up with him, at which point he effortlessly captured the two brothers.
“Where we takin’ these two punks, Boss?” inquired the gruff henchman.
“To Eban Adar’s house,” grunted Beeson, who was now dressed as an Indian prince, for reasons we need not go into.
Frank and Joe exchanged glances again. Eban Adar was Aunt Gertrude’s oddball acquaintance from her school days.
“Thank goodness,” thought Frank. “We’d gone almost ten minutes without a fantastic coincidence.”


“Okay,” moaned Frank, rubbing his aching head. “Tell it to me one more time. How did we end up in this rowboat?
“When we arrived at Adar’s house,” Joe explained, “ice immediately started forming on us. It quickly enveloped us. Then we blacked out. Then we woke up adrift in this rowboat.”
“Ice,” repeated Frank.
“Yes,” Joe mumbled sheepishly.” I think we were frozen solid.”
“Frozen solid. And now, shortly after, we’re fine. Honestly, Joe! You have to admit it’s pretty farfetched,” commented Frank.
“If you won’t like the answer, then don’t ask the question,” snorted Joe.
“Encased in ice,” muttered Frank, shaking his head in bewilderment. “And now we’re in a rowboat. Makes perfect sense.”


Joe picked up Adar’s telephone receiver and engaged the operator.
“Hello, operator? Bayport 6132, please. Hello, Aunt Gertrude? It’s Joe. No, we’re not dead. No, really. We’re up at Eban Adar’s house. Right. The strange duck from your school. Always hated his guts, yes, I remember. Listen, Auntie, we’ve been scrapping with some dangerous criminals, and they’re running loose around here somewhere, so we were thinking this would be an ideal time for you to come up here for a visit with Mr. Adar and catch up on old times. What do you say? You’d love to? All right then, we’ll see you when you get here. Good bye.”
And Joe then replaced the instrument in its cradle.


“So you see,” Joe announced triumphantly, “Beeson’s cave has a disappearable floor! Just turn that switch and the floor lowers to reveal additional rooms below where the remaining loot is stashed!”
“Amazing!” Frank gushed. “And no one knew about it except Beeson, his gang, the team of engineers who designed and manufactured the hydraulics, the contractors who installed them, the electric company who ran out the high voltage power lines to a cave, miles out in the woods…”
“Yes,” Joe chimed in, “it was well-kept secret.”
Just then, a grubby-looking man in a dark ragged jacket approached the boys.
“Are you Joe Hardy?” he snarled.
“Why, yes, I am,” Joe acknowledged.
Without warning, the stranger delivered a powerful blow to Joe’s midsection. Caught unawares, Joe crumpled to the ground in blinding pain, as Frank watched in stunned disbelief.
“I’m Harry Tanwick,” spat the shabby man. “Now where’s my hundred dollars?”
(Okay, I made up that last bit; Harry Tanwick is still at large after 60 years. Think what the compounded interest on that $100.00 must be by now!)


There you have the plot, such as it is, of the most surreal Hardys episode ever. Inexplicably, Dr. Button was then allowed to helm the next volume: The Mystery of the Flying Express, infamous in its own way for its blatant errors, such as Laura Hardy being called “Mildred.” The only possible explanation I can give for Button’s continued employment was that perhaps Leslie McFarlane had his leg caught in a bear trap, somewhere in the Canadian wilderness.
Be that as it may, The Disappearing Floor continues to hold a special place in the hearts of Hardy Boys fans, in the same way Plan Nine from Outer Space holds a place in the hearts of sci-fi fans. Sometimes if you go far enough into bad, you reach good.

original outline for “The Disappearing Floor”










FUNDRAISER
If you have enjoyed my Hardy Boys News or found it useful,
please use PayPal to donate towards its necessary financial support by clicking on the link below.
Thanks to everyone who has donated or made purchases thru my Amazon.com links!

Robert Finnan

Donate via PayPal

Visit my Series Book Forum to discuss your favorite series.
Use my Series Book Swap & Sell group to sell your series books.


January 2019 Update

bayport beat
Happy New Year and welcome to the January edition of The Hardy Boys News with a look at upcoming releases and the book of the month, “The Twisted Claw”. I’d also like to announce my new Series Books Sales Page!

coming soon

Hardy Boys Adventures #1818: The Disappearance – 02/19
{“The Vanishing Room” has been renamed “The Disappearance” and given a new plot.}
For Sale: Paperback – Hardcover
The Hardy brothers and Frank’s new girlfriend, Jones, are attending a local comic book convention on the shore. They meet up with Jones’s friend Harper, a fellow comics super fan, on the boardwalk outside the convention. The four of them spend hours running from booth to booth and end the perfect day with pizza at Harper’s short-term rental apartment.
Things don’t stay so perfect, though. On the way home, Jones realizes she switched phones with Harper by accident and she is getting some really scary texts. When they show up at the apartment the next day, they find it totally destroyed and Harper is missing. Frank and Joe start digging into their new friend’s life, hoping to find out where she might have gone, but the more they find out about her, the more mysterious she becomes. Can Frank and Joe find this secretive character? Or has she disappeared forever?

Clue Book #89: Who Let The Frogs Out? – 04/19
For Sale: Paperback – Hardcover
Illustrated by Santy Gutierrez
Detective brothers Frank and Joe must solve a muddy mystery in the ninth book in the interactive Hardy Boys Clue Book series.
Bayport Elementary is hosting a Mud Run to celebrate spring! A particularly muddy part of the town’s park will be set aside for the race and Coach Lambert has even managed to make more mud by using the park’s hoses and shovels. Frank and Joe can’t wait to splash through the muck.
But on the day of the race, the runners are stopped in their tracks by croaking, blurping bullfrogs! Lots of people in the town had been annoyed that the park was being taken over by a bunch of muddy kids. Could someone have sabotaged the race with buckets of frogs?


book of the month: the twisted claw

Hardy Boys Cover Art  Hardy Boys Cover Art  Hardy Boys Cover Art

18: The Twisted Claw – Collectible Editions For Sale
Cover Art & Edition Information
Original: 1939 John Button (217 pages)
Outline: Harriet Adams
Revised: 1969 Tom Mulvey (177 pages) – For Sale
Outline: Tom Mulvey
Revision: Altered
Art: 1939 Paul Laune
Art: 1962 John Leone
Art: 1969 Rudy Nappi
Notes: Harriet S. Adams also signed a release form for the original edition.
In 1944 the text on page 217 was modified to include the title of the next book.
PC edition with Nancy Drew title list on back cover is scarce.
The Hardy Boys defeat “The Order of The Twisted Claw” smuggling gang.
Description of current edition: A series of museum thefts launch the Hardy Boys on this baffling mystery. Rare collections of ancient pirate treasure are being stolen, so Frank and Joe are asked to stake out the Black Parrot, a suspicious freighter docked in Bayport Harbor. This whirlwind chase after a self-styled pirate king in the Caribbean stronghold of the Empire of the Twisted Claw makes a gripping tale of suspense and high adventure..

original outline for “The Twisted Claw”








FUNDRAISER
If you have enjoyed my Hardy Boys News or found it useful,
please use PayPal to donate towards its necessary financial support by clicking on the link below.
Thanks to everyone who has donated or made purchases thru my Amazon.com links!

Robert Finnan

Donate via PayPal

Visit my Series Book Forum to discuss your favorite series.
Use my Series Book Swap & Sell group to sell your series books.

December 2018 Update

bayport beat
Season’s Greetings and welcome to the December edition of The Hardy Boys News with a look at new & upcoming releases and the book of the month, “The Secret Warning”. I’d also like to announce my new Series Books Sales Page!

new this month

Hardy Boys Adventures #17

17: The Gray Hunter’s Revenge – 12/18
For Sale: Paperback – Hardcover
Frank and Joe investigate a supernatural crime in the seventeenth book in the thrilling Hardy Boys Adventures series.
One of the Hardys’ favorite writers, Nathan Foxwood, has recently died in a tragic car accident. Now, the press is swarming his house in Bayport to get the scoop on the novel he completed just before his untimely death.
When Joe hears that Nathan’s wife is having a giant estate sale, he drags Frank with him. Who could pass up the opportunity to see inside their favorite author’s home? Nathan’s wife says she wants to get away as quickly as possible; strange things have been happening since their first night there and now her husband is gone and she’s sure the house is haunted. But Nathan’s assistant, Adam, is not so willing to blame it all on the supernatural. Valuable things keep disappearing from the house-why would a ghost need money? Adam recognizes the Hardys’ from an article he read and asks for their help.
Of course Frank and Joe Hardy don’t believe in ghosts and are positive they can get to the bottom of all this. But when Adam is mysteriously hurt after spending the night alone in the house, the brothers start to wonder; what is the motive for these crimes if not ghostly revenge? Could these brother detectives be in over their heads?

Clue Book #88: The Time Warp Wonder – 12/18
For Sale: Paperback – Hardcover
Illustrated by Santy Gutierrez
Detective brothers Frank and Joe work to debunk a time travel machine in the eighth book in the interactive Hardy Boys Clue Book series.
Bayport Elementary is almost ready for the annual science fair-it’s all down to the final touches. Frank and Joe have collaborated on a detective helmet. It’s the perfect lie detector-just place it on a suspect’s head and the bells and whistles will tell you when they’re lying.
But not everyone is as prepared for the big fair. Their good friend Phil has designed a time machine he calls the Time Warp Wonder. He just needs to figure out how it works first.
Phil uses Chet’s hamster as a test subject. And the machine really does make the hamster disappear from the cafeteria! It’s just that Phil isn’t sure where the hamster went or how to get him back. Frank and Joe are not so sure the hamster went back in time. They have a feeling their Clue Book will be more help to Chet’s hamster than Phil’s calculations.
But the brothers start questioning their instincts when they receive pictures of the hamster in different time periods; dressed as caveman with the dinosaurs, suited up in armor in the middle ages, in a top hat watching Abe Lincoln give a speech. Could Chet’s hamster really be traveling though time? It’s up to the Hardy Boys-and you-to find out!

coming soon

Hardy Boys Adventures #1818: The Disappearance – 02/19
{“The Vanishing Room” has been renamed “The Disappearance” and given a new plot.}
For Sale: Paperback – Hardcover
The Hardy brothers and Frank’s new girlfriend, Jones, are attending a local comic book convention on the shore. They meet up with Jones’s friend Harper, a fellow comics super fan, on the boardwalk outside the convention. The four of them spend hours running from booth to booth and end the perfect day with pizza at Harper’s short-term rental apartment.
Things don’t stay so perfect, though. On the way home, Jones realizes she switched phones with Harper by accident and she is getting some really scary texts. When they show up at the apartment the next day, they find it totally destroyed and Harper is missing. Frank and Joe start digging into their new friend’s life, hoping to find out where she might have gone, but the more they find out about her, the more mysterious she becomes. Can Frank and Joe find this secretive character? Or has she disappeared forever?

Clue Book #89: Who Let The Frogs Out? – 04/19
For Sale: Paperback – Hardcover
Illustrated by Santy Gutierrez
Detective brothers Frank and Joe must solve a muddy mystery in the ninth book in the interactive Hardy Boys Clue Book series.
Bayport Elementary is hosting a Mud Run to celebrate spring! A particularly muddy part of the town’s park will be set aside for the race and Coach Lambert has even managed to make more mud by using the park’s hoses and shovels. Frank and Joe can’t wait to splash through the muck.
But on the day of the race, the runners are stopped in their tracks by croaking, blurping bullfrogs! Lots of people in the town had been annoyed that the park was being taken over by a bunch of muddy kids. Could someone have sabotaged the race with buckets of frogs?


book of the month: the secret warning

Hardy Boys Cover Art Hardy Boys Cover Art Hardy Boys Cover Art

17: The Secret Warning – Collectible Editions For Sale
Cover Art & Edition Information
Original: 1938 John Button (220 pages)
Outline: Edna Squier (nee Stratemeyer)
Revised: 1966 James Lawrence (176 pages) – For Sale
Outline: James Lawrence
Revision: Completely Different
Art: 1938 Paul Laune (frontispiece removed in 1947)
Art: 1962 John Leone
Art: 1966 Rudy Nappi
Notes: In 1941 the text on page 219 was altered to include the title of the next book.
The Hardy Boys go deep sea diving to recover the treasure from the sunken “Katawa” and foil the plans of the thuggish Gus Kuntz.
Revised: The Hardy Boys investigate the strange disappearance of an ancient Egyptian artifact. 

Description of current edition: Strange events involve Frank and Joe Hardy in a mystery which shrouds an ancient treasure-the golden head of the Pharaoh Rhamaton IV. The owner of the million-dollar golden Pharaoh’s head claims it was aboard the freighter Katawa, which sank not far from Whalebone Island. But suspicious developments indicate that Mehmet Zufar may be trying to defraud the shipping line’s insurance company. Frank and Joe enthusiastically accept the challenge of their famous detective father to assist him in investigating the complex case for Transmarine Underwriters.


THE SECRET WARNING
(or at least how I remember it, having read it very late at night)
by Mike Humbert

    Hardy Boys #17, (A.K.A. The Secret Warning) was first published in 1938, and was the first of five Hardys novels to be ghostwritten by Dr. John Button (okay, let’s hold down the booing!). The good doctor had taken over the reigns from the legendary Leslie McFarlane, who had written the previous sixteen volumes, and is generally regarded as the best of the “Franklin W. Dixons.”
While not as flawed as some of Dr. Button’s later attempts, (including The Mystery of the Flying Express, and, of course, The Disappearing Floor), The Secret Warning had its share of peculiar literary decisions, which I’ve chosen to exaggerate here, possibly to humorous effect. I hope you enjoy it.
This originally appeared in The Bayport Times #31 September 2001


    Tap! Tap! Tap!
“It’s a mystery to me,” said Joe Hardy as he worked over the engine of the Sleuth, “what it is that puts the motor out of order all the time.”
“It certainly is a puzzler,” agreed Frank Hardy, Joe’s dark-haired older brother. “Perhaps we should stop just tapping on it, and try a different approach to repairing it.”
“You fellows should leave it broken if you ask me,” drawled their chum Chet Morton, his gelatin-like mass conforming to the bulkhead behind him. “Why tempt Mother Nature?”
Frank and Joe exchanged perplexed glances.
“Think about it,” Chet continued, “as soon as this tub is fixed, you’ll want to take it out on the bay again. Then, as always, a sudden storm will come up, and then, as always, I’ll be knocked out of the boat, into the freezing water. Who needs it, I say!”
“Don’t worry, Chet,” taunted Joe. “The only way you could sink would be if someone harpoons you!”
The stout boy laughed good-naturedly at this latest crippling blow to his self-esteem.
Just then, Frank glanced up and saw a tall, lanky figure walking on the dock.
“Say, fellows! That’s Mr. Perry, the deep-sea diver! Did you know he wears thirty-two pound shoes?”
“No,” drawled Chet. “Did you know my uncle wears women’s underwear?”
Realizing how valuable the skills of a deep-sea diver would be to repairing the Sleuth’s motor, Frank called Mr. Perry over to the boat, and explained their dilemma.
“Have you tried tapping on it?” suggested the lanky diver.
Soon, with four heads proving marginally better than three, the Sleuth’s motor was purring like a kitten. With Chet at the controls, the stout lad began to move the boat a foot or two.
Suddenly, as if to add action to the story, the Sleuth impacted another motorboat which, for some reason, no one had noticed directly behind them. The jolt of the collision sent Perry hurtling into the water. Chet, while humiliated by his obvious incompetence, was nonetheless relieved not to have been, for once, the one who ended up in the water.
“You’ll pay for this!” snarled Bock, one of the two collision victims.
“Yeah, we’ll get you Hardys through a series of empty threats and petty vandalism,” sneered Simon, as he piloted the other boat to safer waters.
“I don’t like their looks,” drawled Chet, an opinion which would be shared by most everyone the Hardys would speak to in the foreseeable future.
“Chet, since when do you have a drawl?” interjected Joe.
“I do seem to be drawling a lot lately,” drawled Chet.
“I wonder how those fellows knew our names,” mused Frank.
“I have a hunch that will never be explained,” predicted Joe.


Eventually, Frank, Joe and Chet got around to rescuing Mr. Perry, who, fortunately, had not been wearing his thirty-two pound diving shoes at the time. As it turned out, Mr. Perry had originally been on his way to keep an appointment with Frank and Joe’s father, Fenton Hardy, the world-famous detective. This could hardly be considered a coincidence, since no one ever came to Bayport except small-time smugglers and clients of Mr. Hardy.
The boys escorted Mr. Perry to their home, where Mrs. Hardy insisted on providing the dripping diver with some dry clothing.
“That’s very kind of you,” expressed Mr. Perry. “A T-shirt and an old pair of sweat pants will be more than enough.” But Mrs. Hardy, who had a “thing” for tall, well-dressed men, insisted that the near-total stranger wear her husband’s favorite tweed suit (along with his new Van Husen button shirt, his favorite necktie, and a pair of cufflinks that had been given to Mr. Hardy by his late grandmother). After force-feeding Mr. Perry a huge dinner, capped off by multiple apple pies, it had become obvious that Mr. Hardy was displaying his usual lack of punctuality.
“I’ll try to contact Mr. Hardy some other time,” lamented Mr. Perry. “I guess there would be no reason for me to leave my phone number, or address, or any way at all for him to contact me. But dinner was lovely. And thanks for the swell suit!” And with that, the now-well-dressed diver took his leave.


“Welcome home, Dad! Gee, it’s great to see you,” gushed Frank and Joe to their father. Mr. Hardy’s famous exploits had once caused him to neglect his sons for weeks at a time. Now that Frank and Joe had demonstrated considerable talent as amateur detectives, Mr. Hardy often let his sons assist him on important cases, putting them directly in harm’s way.
“Nice to see you again, boys,” chimed Mr. Hardy, giving the boys a noncommittal hug. “Sorry I stood up yet another potential client but I suppose there’s always more where he came from!”
“What kind of case are you working on, Dad?” inquired Joe excitedly.
“Darned if I know,” chuckled Mr. Hardy. “My memory is so bad that if didn’t take notes constantly, I’d be completely up the creek. That’s why I keep those notes in a safe place.”
“You mean in your wall safe,” guessed Frank.
“Or your file cabinet or desk drawer,” speculated Joe.
“No, no, all wrong,” answered the famous sleuth, grinning confidently. “Someplace much safer: in the pocket of my favorite tweed suit!”
Frank and Joe exchanged nauseated glances.


Fenton Hardy paced the room like a caged lion. Time was running out. If the boys didn’t recover his notes, he would be in a terrible jam. If only he could remember some of the pertinent details of the case, such as who the client was, or what he was supposed to be investigating. No, it was just no good. Too many whacks on the head from too many criminals. He would have to wait to hear from Frank. And the other one, the blond fellow.
The famous detective was ruminating on how the blond boy didn’t really look very much like him when the phone rang. He snatched it up anxiously.
“Hello? Dad?” came the voice on the other end. It was Frank. Mr. Hardy breathed a sigh of relief. The boys had come through for him!
Frank Hardy spoke into the receiver of the pay phone. “Yes, Dad, we managed to track down Mr. Perry, and your tweed suit as well.”
“That’s wonderful news, Frank. Any complications along the way?”
“Uhhh, well,” began Frank, “an old man in a restaurant accused us of stealing his cane, and had the police arrest us.”
“What!” ejaculated Mr. Hardy. “That’s ridiculous! Why would you steal his cane?”
“Oh, it turned out well enough. We dropped your name, as we always do, and they let us go.”
“I suppose that’s all right, then. No other problems?”
“Well, at one point we came across an elderly woman who had apparently fainted; we took her to the doctor,” continued Frank.
“Was she with the old man who lost his cane?” queried Mr. Hardy.
“No, this was pretty much unrelated. It turned out the doctor was her husband, and he then accused us of having murdered her.”
“Murder! Frank, what in the world are you talking about,” gasped Mr. Hardy, who was rapidly becoming exasperated.
“He attacked us with a bullwhip. But then the old woman’s parrot returned, and she was fine again.”
“Bullwhip?? Parrot??”
“The parrot was named Ferdinand, incidentally…”
Mr. Hardy was nearing apoplexy. “Frank, what does any of this nonsense have to do with my notes? You did recover them, didn’t you!”
“Well, we thought we had them after the fire, but–”
“Fire!! What fire!?”
“At the tailor shop, where your suit was. Joe and I broke into the shop when a fire started.”
Mr. Hardy’s hand covered his eyes as he spoke into the receiver. “You broke into a tailor shop and started a fire? Good God, why??”
“I’m pretty sure the fire started first. Anyway, Joe pulled your suit from the burning shop, but it turned out he only got the pants.”
“Not the jacket that contained the notes?” croaked the detective, his voice all but inaudible.
“Somehow or another, Bock and Simon ended up with the jacket and–”
“Who?!?”
“The two fellows whose boat we rammed the other day,” explained Frank.
“Oh my God,” whimpered Mr. Hardy. “My insurance…”
“Oh, and we’ve also been helping Mr. Perry with his deep-sea diving. It’s really exciting, Dad! You wear this big helmet and–”
“I… really… don’t want to hear. Tell me… about the notes….”
“And someone keeps breaking into our hotel room and leaving threatening notes. It’s happened four or five times now, but they’ve gotten away every time. The most recent time they made off with an experimental underwater X-ray camera that had been entrusted to us. I mean, we did leave it unattended, but who figured they’d break in yet again?”
Fenton Hardy let loose a pitiful cry of anguish.
“Anyway, we finally managed to get the notes back from Bock, Simon, and their boss, whose name I don’t think I can say over the phone, so we’ll be sending them to you right away, Dad,” Frank announced triumphantly. He heard no reply on the other end other than a low sobbing. Then came a sharp click and the droning of the dial tone.
“Was Dad proud of us?” Joe asked his brother.
“I’m not sure. I guess we were cut off,” theorized Frank, replacing the pay phone’s receiver in its cradle.
“Enough of this detective stuff,” drawled Chet one last time. “When do we eat?”
Frank and Joe exchanged humorous glances and all three boys shared a hearty laugh.
 

original outline for “the secret warning”










Wreath Wreath Wreath

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Edited by Rev. R.W. Finnan. The latest news, reviews & articles for fans of Franklin W. Dixon's Hardy Boys mystery books since 2005.